So,it's still going downwards, fully knowig that I sound like the typical emo from "The Emo Sound" MY LIFE IS A BLACK ABYSS! XD Lol, no, I don't really feel like laughing. And I think it's the first time I got into such a severe depression, that I can't control it anymore. Before if I was depressive (I don't know if I really was), that it would have certainly been a manic depression/bipolar disorder. So, today I'm a wreck again. I practically forced myself to write an entry.

I did a VLog where I said everything (I made one yesterday too, btw. and the one today was my second VLog), well, but they are solely for me. Not gonna upload anything. So I'm not in the mood to write down todays events. I feel like "Just get it over with" again today, and yeah, enough explanations.

I'm going to sleep after I finish reading "No Longer Human" today. I have put all the books I didn't read already into one bookshelf, and I'm going to work through them the next few days.

C ya.
Yuuri
 
 

Again it is one of those days, where I go around wondering why I even bother writing thigs into my journal. The truth is, I don't even want anyone going around and readig my entries, because everything I write there (or almost everything) is the exact truth, the way I'm actually thinking about things. So if it's not for one of my rage entries, where I try to calm myself by writing everything that's on my mind, I don't even wat people commenting on my entries. But neverless, I don't set up my journal, so that only I see my diary entries. Maybe that's my only way of seeking some kind of understanding from people, and it's really a pain to go through all the way and set my journal like that. I'm extraordinairy lazy, that's for sure. I have to say, today is one of these days again. One of these, where I feel so detached to the world, that I don't even feel human anymore. It's a drunken feeling of emptyness to a point, where I cannot even judge if I'm just being depressed, or if I even feel any kind of pain. Personally, I would comparee this feeling to being "undead", simply being alive, but your awareness of constant apathy being so strong, that you don't even feel alive anymore.

It's not a sad or depressing feeling, where people stand up on Monday morning and go kill themselves before work, because they can't see the use anymore (by the way, on Monday happen the most suicides); but rather the feeling of getting home from work and wondering "What was I doing today?" ; not caring to an extent, where you don't even want to bother thinking if there was some sense behind what you were doing. You just go on, drunken on apathy; you don't feel pain, you don't feel happyness, you don't feel nothing. I'm absolutely positive that the book I'm currently reading is making me write this entry. It's called "Ningen Shikkaku" (Englisch Version: No Longer Human) and was written by Osamu Dazai, published in 1958 for the first time. And I have to say, even though it's a book (and I look at books mostly at a work of art), it's disturbing how it describes the alien way, a lot of humans feel in these days. I don't say that it's not possible that they already felt this way fifty years ago; I'm just surprised to see it black on white in form of a book.

I can't deny that what mankind went through in the past is monstrous enough that history majors would go of and kill themselves at these troughts (which I believe is something that happens from time to time to sensitive students), but I also believe that the constant pain of just being alive also makes people numb, going into "Scheizel Mode" (I can't believe I'm trying to make a point and using an Anime character to do it) or the undead alien feeling, I just described. If I should describe death itself, it would be apathy. Then wouldn't a lot of people like me just go around being dead one day of a week? I am counting ith the hours of the feeling of apathy, because it's certainly not a feeling that happens to surface often. You could also call it a near death experience. Honestly, the feeling of living should limit itself of having feelings at all. If you happen to lose your emotions, you could also call yourself a zombie that goes around walking, but having to stop every 10 steps to check if you're still breathing. No, what I think that is frightening is, that this is not a book I'm writing at right now. This is a diary entry, so this is my truth.

Neverless, I can't deny that I would think while reading this, that it's a passage out of a work of art, simply a book that describes how some kind of monster is walkig through society, not a human, but a living thing that doesn't seem to have a brain. But aren't we thinking "apathy". when we notice this emptyness? So we have a brain for sure. I get the feeling that this must be how some of those psycho killers feel, before they go around snatching random people off the street (and the killers who do that haven't a personal grudge involved), and go around, locking their victims away, experimenting on them, inflicting pain, just for the fun of it. Well, I can reassure you that I wouldn't do such a thing. First thing: I don't like seeing things like blood or disgusting things. I'm not up to it. Second: It's too much of a hassle. Three and Four: I don't want to be catched by the police, and when my apathy wears off I would probably feel remorse and go kill myself.

The catch is, that feeling dead is not something constant. It's not possible to feel constant apathy, because of the simple fact that we are NOT monsters, not zombies, and certainly not brainless. We are monsters because we are humans, so we can turn into zombies too. The feeling of apathy is exactly born because we are human, and I don't really like admitting that thought. I admit, I am still a kid. Seeing myself as I am typing this, I would think that I'm just some emo kid, trying to get attention, and like  explained in teh beginning, a part of me doesn't want anyone to read this entry, and another wants some recognition, somebody who says: "I get what you're saying." So if I go and give the like to this entry to my best friend, that would mean that what I just said is exactly true. But because I'm merely a kid, I don't want to be so immature and certainly admitting that would be admitting that I'm some emo kid. And I hate being associated with that description: "emo". Really, it would actually anger me, if someone would describe this entry as being emo. It would mean, that that person would just not get what I'm trying to say; the exact opposite. But back to the fact that I just turned seventeen hardly 2-3 months ago.

I would actually very much like to see such a young person writing things like this, because maybe I wouldn't actually feel like an idiot writing this. Really, feeling like a zombie equals feeling like a lunatic. On the surface I seem to understand those peope around me, and then on the other hand I can't understand them at all, and would just like to ignore them. This feeling of detachment also brings myself to crawl into my room, not wanting to go to schoolor to go out ever again. That must be why I was absent from school so often last year. I wonder why I have that song "In the halls of the mountain king" on my Ipod. Like I said, apathy is neither happyness, nor sadnes, but what I would say in one japanese Kanji: "Mu", nothingness.

But slowly I begin to feel a feeling of disaffirmation, while thinking of going to school tomorrow. The worst thing could be that I can almost guess why I get these feelings of "non exitance". I would say that they come from all the insecurities, all the complexes I have. But since I'm so unexperienced, I can only guess how an adult who would describe himself as happy would feel. Would such a person become someone undead from time to time too? I don't know. If someone like that would read this, I'd like to hear his answer. Oh, I just remembered an aspect of the feeling of apathy: It makes you look down on on everything from time to time. While for a short amount of time you might actually feel impressed by normal human beings at this feelinbg of detachment, you might also unknowingly look down on everything and everyone.

At these times I feel like saying like a beatnik:"What do they know? How can they know?", but then I picked up "No longer human" and feel impressed again at the exact descibtion of how the protagonist feels, or exactly not feels, reflecting this image of a human failure right back at myself. And it eases me. It really does. Being able to relate this feeling of being a monster and reflecting on it makes it almost natural to feel this way from time to time,and takes a great amount off the fear of being alone in all this apathy. It's not that you can really feel "loneliness" when being undead, but the rationalisation of it makes you not feel so much of a freak for it. It could be, because I'm still a teenager, but I think that monsters take a pride at being what they are. And you can't really know who is undead or a zombie at the moment, or who is not, so I think actually meeting people who are like you or reading about them is really exciting, because it is an anormallity. I don't even think that a lot of us are capable of realizing what they are.

There are just too many that don't think further, don't think why they are the way they are or question if it's normal. It's really a shame that I think that way, but I would describe these as being too dumb to realize it, and that making them a part of us that I don't want to be. Maybe not realizing it makes them not a part of us, or an abnormallity in an abnormallity. (Oh, I wrote anormallity before, because in German you can say "Anormal" too...mistake on my part). Well, but even if I say that, I think I'm only confusing you...hell, I'm confusing myself a bit too, even if I know what I mean. That shows just how much I still lack at expressing myself, I'm still not a native English speaker. I was never in a primary English-speaking country, so there you have it. This is a part of my inexperience, too. I am one of these humans, that gathr their experience most of the time on thoughts only, and I'm not degrading myself because of that, but it makes a person instable in their way of thinking. Apathy may be born because of that (well, at least a part of it) , too.

Oh....I think if I write more, I'll reach the entry limit, so I'll excuse myself for today. It's rare for me to write as much as now in such a short amount of time. I think I'll write everyday again, starting today. So, now I can really say that comments are welcomed...(even though I don't think anyone would bother reading through this). And if you write that this is emo, I can promise you that I'll get pissed off at how dumb a person can be at such a revelation on my part, but oh well.
Inao Yuuri

On the third day, Tenma finally approached the poor man who had been waiting for him all the time. "Hurry and give me the message.". The young college student reached into his pocket and handed a piece of paper over to the Japanese former doctor. "Here."

Taking it, he read out loud:"Cedoc Bridge. The three frogs..?" Wondering what that meant, he looked up. "My father also said this:"If the monster you are after is a twin, the mother of the twins is alive in Prague.""

'...what?!'. Shocked at this revelation, he parted with Mr. Schubert’s son. Their mother was really alive? It was even odder to think, that that Monster had a mother. No, nothing against Nina, but what had happened that a son turns out this way? It had clearly been said, that Johan had already been a Monster when he came to Kinderheim 511, and he was also the one who was responsible for "the incident", where the whole staff and all the children killed each other, and the Kinderheim closed down.

Really, every time Tenma thought about Johan, he couldn't avoid asking himself what had happened to him and how he got this way. Thinking that it wouldn't bring him anything standing there dumbstruck any longer, he got his stuff from his hotel room and went to buy a one way ticket to Prague. Even if he didn't know if he could end it this time, he had to follow his only lead to Johan to Prague. ( Read more... )

Monstra sunt in genere humano 
Monsters are a part of the human race

The term "Monster" derives from the latin word monstrum , meaning "memento" or "omen",
and from the word monstrare, "to show/display",
and monere , "to warn, admonish".

The sun was high up over the city of Dresden when Doktor Tenma looked down on the central station. He had to wince at its brightness that hurt his eyes. Restless, he looked at the pedestrians and travelers that passed by. He couldn't get the things that had happened yesterday out of his head. Yesterday he had seen him again. But he was neither human, nor some kind of other person. He had seen the Monster. And the Monster had looked back at him.

The Monster, that's what they called him, had no name, no identity, no past and no future. He seemed to be human, but what he really was, was evil. Even thinking about him made Tenma shake in his guilty conscience.

NOOOOOO!!! I got Erian Ueru Back today ;_; AND EVERYTHING IS DELETED!!! MY 450 GB ANIMES, MANGAS, MUSIC, MOVIES, DORAMAS, TV SERIES, AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!! MY DOUJINSHI ARE GOOOONNNNEEEEE!!!!!

NUOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!

SHINUUUUU!!!!!!

Well, and now for da good nyusu.

I WILL BE ABLE TO GO TO HIGHSCHOOL IN JAPAN FOR A YEAR!
Well, it's not sure yet if I can make it, but I'll know soon enough ;D

Yay! Well good and bad things happen in succession, so I'm sure it will be okay :D
AND I'LL GO TO A MIYAVI CONCERT AT WEDNESDAY! YAY! MIYAVI-SUAMMAAA!

OYAKATA-SUAMMAAAAAAA!!!!